My New Position

Usually I hate to talk about religion or politics; it seems to take time away from talking about running or riding. I readily admit that I have no idea how to ‘fix’ our Nation’s financial crisis, that is if we believe the hype the media is selling us about this financial crisis. I have zero knowledge about how compound interest works or what the overnight lending rate is. I don’t know what will solve the The Big Three’s issues. Should I buy a Ford LTD Country Squire Station wagon or should Congress give them 35 billion dollars? Does Ford still make an LTD? There were great backseat in the old LTD’s; you baby boomers know what I’m talking about, wink, wink.

What I do know about is cycling. I am the proud owner of 7 bicycles. I have a road bike, a tri bike, full suspension and a front suspension 26” mountain bikes, a single speed 29’er, my old circa 1982 Hutch Pro BMX bike, and a sweet fixed gear commuter. My bikes are cool. They are a reflection of my personality. On a day I want to go fast, I pull out my tri bike and go for an ego ride. On a day I want to kick it old school and enjoy a single gear, I’ll opt for the single speed. If my kids want to cruise the local rail trail, I’ll pull out one of the mountain bikes in case I need to bunny hop some road kill and show my son how cool dad is. I have personalized my bikes with little ‘trail finds’ that I have gathered along my travels. One day I was out in the middle of nowhere (in Groton), at least 6 miles from the nearest dirt or tar road, and I looked down and saw something shiny. It was an old “Custom Cab” name plate from a 1960 Ford Custom Cab Pick-Up Truck. Of course I now have it zip-tied to my handlebars of my 29’er. I treat my bikes with care and they generally take care of me in return. Nothing makes me happier than going on Mud Run and nothing makes my wife more upset than me walking into my kitchen with muddy cycling shoes. When cleaning my bikes after a ride, I always make sure to leave one little piece of dirt or road grime somewhere on the frame to remind me that bikes are made to be ridden, not made to shine in showrooms.

The great thing about cycling is that there is a bike dedicated for virtually every type of riding. I am sure the day will come when my old bones won’t be able to take the abuse of downhill assaults, or being in the aero position of a tri bike for hours on end. When that time comes, I may have to buy a bike that looks like this:

What the hell is going on here? Is this the President-Elect? Somebody get Obama a Velcro strap for those jeans. What is up with that fender? Do you think Obama rides in the rain often? All that is missing from this picture is pink handlebar tassels blowing in the breeze and a big basket. Obama needs to ‘Man Up’. A man of his stature can’t be seen riding a bike like this. Dukakis looked better riding in the tank. You can’t tell me that people didn’t laugh at him on that bike. He could have at least clipped a baseball card in the spokes.

With all the Cabinet appointments being announced, I am anxiously sitting by the phone awaiting his call. I emailed the President-Elect and offered my services. I offered to become his ‘Secretary of Manly Toys’. I am perfect for this position. I have virtually every grown up toy and gadget that has ever been made for swimming, cycling, lifting, and running. Instead of submitting a resume, I just forwarded pictures of all my cool stuff.

Here is a list of pictures I emailed the President-Elect:
My GPS devices, my running GPS and my hiking GPS
My Headlamps
My Heart rate Monitor
My Yaktrax
My Snowshoes
My Snowboard
My Bikes
My 30 pairs of sneakers
My three Ipods
My technical running and cycling gear
My Smoker- Yum Yum , smoked meats
My wetsuit and tri-suit
My titanium bottle opener made from recycled bike parts

I better stop now or my wife will kill me

What pictures I didn’t send the President-Elect (hey everybody has some skeletons)
My home waxing kit
My red dress
My high school yearbook photo showing me with an afro and horrible moustache


My first duty as ‘Secretary of Manly Toys’ would be to advise the President-Elect to give that damn bike to Hillary. I would also recommend he put a bigger seat on first (sorry, I know I’m an idiot, but it was just way too easy to throw that in there). I would recommend that if he ever decided to go riding where somebody may snap a picture, then he should get a bike that looks like this:

That’s what I’m talking about!!!!!!! What you are looking at here is a $4500 full suspension carbon fiber custom made machine. Not only will this bike make you the coolest person on Pennsylvania Avenue, but it will keep people like me from making fun of you. There is only one thing wrong with this picture. What is it you ask? Any guesses? OK, I’ll give it to you. How the hell does Georgie get away for 3+ hour rides? How do I know that by just looking at the picture? Well, Georgie not only has a Presidential water bottle in the cage holder, he is holding a camelback. In my book, a bottle and a camelback means only one thing, an epic 3+ hour ride. How does Georgie find the time to get out for such long rides when the country is in the shape that it is? I have a hard time getting out for two hour rides and I am only the Commander In Chief of my wife and two kids. OK, definitely not the Commander In Chief of my wife and my oldest son, but I still have a pretty strong rule over my three year old. I would also recommend that the President-Elect run tubeless and clipless like Georgie in the picture above.

Do you think I have a chance? If he calls, I must serve my country, it will be my duty. Oh yea, getting to ride every day, that mid six figure salary, and getting to play with every ‘Manly Toy’ to hit the market wouldn’t affect my decision. It was nice knowing all of you. Look for me Inauguration Day; I’ll be the guy on the full suspension Trek, you know the one with the Presidential Seal on the top tube.