The Buckle

“Does it hurt when you cough?’ asked the Pediatrician to my 4 year old son. “It hurts, but Daddy gives me the buckle and then I go to sleep” responded my son.

The glare was directed right at me. “Oh $hit” was my first thought.

The day was supposed to be a glorious day. I had the day off from work, the weather was in the mid 50’s, and I was scheduled to test my ‘healed’ ankle on a nice flat 1 mile run. My alarm clock went off at 8:30am. Looking back, I think I was more excited at the prospect of sleeping until 8:30am than going out for my first run since early November. Granted, this run was totally against Doctor’s Orders, but I have rested my ankle, gone through aggressive treatments, and felt it was ready for a test. My Physician made me promise him that I wouldn’t run until the first week of February. I remember springing out of bed that morning, having my regular pre-exercise breakfast of a half a bagel, an egg white omelet, and two Hammer Gels.

I was almost ready to get dressed for my run, when my 4 year old son came out of his room looking like zombie on Halloween. He was crying, his color was awful, he had bags under his eyes (he gets that from his mother, hahaha), and he was holding his left ear. Being a Firefighter and an EMT, the signs were obvious; he was sick and had an ear infection. You may ask how I knew he had an ear infection by just looking at him. I didn’t even have to look at him to know he had an ear infection. I didn’t need my years of ‘On The Job’ clinical experience to solve this mystery. I knew my son had an ear infection because he slept until 8:50am. There is not a 4 year old alive, who isn’t sick, who sleeps until 8:50am. I’m not a conspiracy theorist type of guy, but I’m positive that all those OB/GYN pregnancy ultrasound tests somehow program children to wake somewhere between 5:00-6:00am. Or maybe kids just know that there are cartoons on TV early in the morning. I dunno.

Anyway, I lost the Rock-Paper-Scissor game with my wife and I had to take my son to the Pediatrician. I should have thrown Paper, I always throw Paper. I wish I could say I was focused on my son’s health, but to be honest, all I could think about on the way to the doctor’s office was when I could squeeze my run in. Here is how it went in my head: “Ok, the appointment is at 10:30, the doctor can’t get too far behind that early in the morning can he, we will get in there on time, he will check out his ears, prescribe some antibiotics, and we will be on our way before 11:15am, I can pick up the meds on the way home and be I will be ready to run by 12:00pm”

Well, it didn’t go quite that smooth. We were seen at 10:30am, but I didn’t count on a 40 minute wait for a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia, or the Department of Social Services investigation…………….Yes, the Department of Social Services is the Massachusetts equivalent of a Child Protection Services Department.

My son’s Pediatrician, Dr. J., who referred to by my wife as “McDreamy” is about 6’3 and 230 pounds. He is a young doctor probably in his late 30’s. I can tell when either of my boys have appointments, because my wife is always dressed very nicely, her hair done, and she has applied her makeup by 7:00am. It laugh to myself when I attend appointments with my wife and children, I look around the waiting room and it is so easy to identify the Moms who have appointments with Dr. J., they are dressed like they are headed out for a hot date on Saturday night.

Anyway, back to the story. While Dr. J. was cruising through his physical exam, my son started to cough. Dr. J. asked him to open his mouth, and say “Ahhhhh”, which my son did. He then asked my son if it hurt when he coughed, and my son responded, “It hurts, but Daddy gives me the buckle and then I go to sleep”. I thought to myself “Oh no, what do I do?” Dr. J. is the most unassuming person you could ever meet. He is father to small children himself, he is great with his patients, my kids (and wife) look forward to his appointments, he laughs, he interacts with the kids, and he is silly when he needs to be, but this was the first time I saw the look of shock on his face. He looked directly at me and in a stern voice, said two words, “Please explain”. All I could think of was that stupid Bill Cosby show ‘Kids Say The Darndest Things’.

The first words out of my mouth were, “Look, I’m not even wearing a belt”. Great, now he thinks I’m trying to hide the evidence. I then explained that when my son was very young, his favorite baby food was Gerber’s Blueberry Buckle. It actually tasted pretty good. Gerber somehow found a way to squeeze Blueberry Cobbler into a 3 ounce glass jar. I explained that my wife and I would refer to this Gerber Baby Food as 'The Buckle', such as, “Would you like some buckle”. My son absolutely loved Blueberry Buckle, and soon any food or liquid he saw was referred to as 'The Buckle’. Not that there are that many bluish/purple foods out there, but soon blueberry yogurt and blueberry pie became know as 'The Buckle’.

I attempted to explain that my son’s genius mother figured out that if she called grape flavored cough medicine, ibuprofen, or acetaminophen ‘The Buckle’, my son would drink it down. I tried to explain that it was all about selling the horribly tasting medicine as something he loved.

Did he buy it? If he didn’t buy my explanation, I started thinking about what my prison sentence would look like. I remember wondering if they let you run in prison. Dr. J. slowly looked toward my son and asked, “Is what Daddy said true?” I clearly remember thinking to myself that this is do or die time. I couldn’t believe the fate of my life was hinging upon the response of a 4 year old child. What was he going to say? I was praying that he wouldn’t tell Dr. J. that I shave my legs, remember kids say the darndest things. Was he going to tell Dr. J. that when my wife was working last Saturday, I let my two boys watch at least 7 hours of TV?

My son looked at Dr. J. and responded “I like to drink The Buckle from the medicine cup when I’m sick”. Ding Ding Ding, Correct Answer!!!!! The lights started flashing, ticker tape started falling from the ceiling. You my boy, are the winner of the $100,000 Pyramid Game. I was so relieved. Dr. J. looked at me with a sly smile and said, “I knew the story the entire time, your son said the same thing at his four year check-up last month with your wife. I wanted to play a little game with you.”

To close the loop on this story, I made it home by 1:00pm after picking up the prescribed medications at the pharmacy. My son was diagnosed with pneumonia and an ear infection. I was able to get out for my run later that afternoon. I felt great for the first 200 yards and was laughing at my Orthopedic Physician’s advice to not start running again until February. I guess I only had enough endorphins to carry me 200 yards because my ankle really started to hurt before I reached the end of my street. I slowly limped home feeling defeated. I opened the door to my house and immediately went to the medicine cabinet for a shot of ‘The Buckle’.

See you out there in February.