Manly?????

Recently I had a conversation with a coworker at the Firehouse that really got me thinking about the definition of ‘Manly’. The conversation started with, “Dude you shave your legs”, and it ended with me attempting to explain to my buddy that there is a rule that all members of my triathlon team need to be ‘shaved down’ before all competitions. He asked if I had an upcoming race and I responded “No”. He asked why my legs were shaved and I just had to drop my head in defeat and walk away.

Thinking back, I really don’t remember this topic coming up when I was approached and asked to race for my current triathlon team. I specifically remember the Team Manager asking if I wanted to be a member of the team, receive a bunch of free gear, equipment, and swag, in exchange for promotional work and great race results. There was nothing about waxing my hairy back. I know I was overly excited about the prospect of receiving a top of the line race rig, but I think I would have remembered the chest hair shaving clause. I’m over 40 years old and Italian, which means I have more hair growing in places I don’t want, and less hair growing in the places I do want.

I remember the dreadful day fondly, it was the day I was to pick up my new bike and uniform. I drove to the team headquarters, nervously entered the building, and met my new teammates. They seemed like nice enough guys, mostly Type A competitive racers, tall, skinny, pretty serious looking. I sensed they were sizing me up as soon as I entered the building. After introductions and brief team meeting, we geared up and hit the road for a short training ride. The pace was mellow and the conversation flowed. One team member asked if “I let my winter coat grow?” I responded that I usually shave my head before big events but let my hair grow in between races. He then asked if I waxed. I responded that I used clippers to buzz my head and commented that it must hurt to wax your head. The entire group laughed. Did I miss something? He then responded “I meant do you wax your body?” Now it was my time to laugh, but nobody was laughing with me. For the remainder of the ride I was educated about the positive aspects of keeping your body free of body hair. The reasons provided included absolute gems like, it will make you swim faster, if you fall on the road your skin won’t tear from your body, you will feel faster, you will look faster, to you look cooler, and your wife will love the feeling. Huh? They didn’t know my wife. The only thing that kept going thru my mind was “How am I going to tell my wife about this”.

When I arrived home, my wife had ton of questions about the team. I don’t remember any of the questions she asked or if I even answered them. I do remember a long silent pause and then I informed her, “They want me to shave”. She responded with, “Good, I want you to shave too; it’s gross when you don’t shave on the weekends”. (Take note guys, it is ‘Manly’ to not shave on the weekends) There was another awkward silence and then I responded, “Not my face, they want me to shave my body”. In a classic Edith Bunker impersonation, my wife looked at me blankly, attempting to digest what I just said, and came out with a very long, slow, “Ooohhhh”. She asked if I wanted to do that. I looked over at my new $4000 full suspension race bike and responded with, “Get the shaving cream honey it is erotic shaving night!!!!!!” You guessed it; I got ‘The Look’.


After some quick internet research about how to shave for cycling events (note, there are some very inappropriate shaving websites out there, be careful. Yuck), I figured out I just had to shave my arms, armpits and legs. Only shave the exposed areas right? I love my wife, she is definitely the brains of the operation and when she told me to use a dull razor when shaving, I just laughed at her, everybody knows that a new razor shaves better than a dull one right?

I entered the shower the proud owner of a $4000 bike with a new razor (I can hear all the women screaming now, NOT A NEW RAZOR YOU FOOL!!!!!), and a can of shaving cream. I exited the shower 20 minutes later totally emasculated with smooth arms, pits, and legs. I was also down at least a pint and a half of blood. The shower floor looked like the scene from Psycho and my legs looked like someone took a weedwacker to them. Did I feel fast? No. I felt dizzy; I lost a lot of blood. Once all 16 band-aids were applied, I ran downstairs to show my wife my new race body. I expected to hear her say such things as “Wow, you look fast” and “Having those shaved arms and legs should save you at least three seconds on a twenty five mile bike ride”. I didn’t hear such comments, but was greeted with, “Won’t all those band-aids slow you down?” I was a beaten man.

I showed up for a swim practice a few days later showing off my freshly shaved arms, pits, and legs and received laughs again. I felt like the Little Leaguer on the first day of practice that put his glove on the wrong hand. What did I do wrong, most of my razor wounds were healing and were barely visible, did I miss a clump on leg hair on my hamstring? The guys were laughing because I had a hairy back and chest with shaved legs and arms. They said it is easier to shave or wax your entire body all at one time. I informed them that there are some parts of my body I can’t reach with a razor, and some places I do not want a razor to come close to.

Ok, I arrived home, entered the shower and somehow shaved my chest without loosing any more blood. When my wife got home, I informed her she had to shave my back. She responded she didn’t remember anything in our wedding vows about back shaving. She eventually agreed to shave my back for the sole reason that she could tell her friends and they could all laugh at me. Well, she did, and they did. But, I did tell them I have a $4000 bike? They didn’t care, most women don’t, it’s in their nature to laugh at males when we do something foolish. We never let them down; we certainly give them plenty of ammo.

OK, to make a long story short, I first shaved my arms, legs and pits on 4/18/2007. I first shaved my chest on 4/21/2007. My wife shaved my back on 4/21/2007. Since those horrible days, I have been forced to shave my arms, chest, legs, and pits approximately every three days. I have a wonderful neighbor (she works in a high priced fancy salon in Cambridge, Massachusetts) who waxes my back every month. Her husband, who is very understanding, laughs every time I attempt to explain that there is nothing inappropriate going on, it is purely business. Hahahaha

You may ask that why do I continue to shave and wax most of my body hair now that my race season is over. The answer is, if I could find a legal drug to take that would eliminate the itching, I would braid my chest hair. I’ve tried numerous times to grow back my body hair but the itching is totally unbearable after only 5 days. My mind won’t even allow me to think about what seven day stubble would feel like. I am cursed, and as Eddie Murphy once said, “You brought this $%#@ on yourself”. My wife won’t admit it, but I think she likes the shaved body feel. Ok, I’m an idiot. She just likes laughing at me. But I do get back at her. Not only can I leave the toilet seat up, I can now use all of her shaving cream. hahahaha

I like to think of myself as a ‘Manly’ man. I’m a pretty active guy. I work out almost every day, most days include two workouts. My workouts include off-road running, weight lifting, mountain biking, swimming, and plyometrics. I mean, I lift actual weights, and a lot of them, I don’t mess around with those Cybex machines with the belts, straps, and instructions. I have a cool job. I hang out with cool guys. I have tattoos. I have my own mug behind the bar of my local Irish Tavern. I like beer, Maxim Magazine, power tools, smoked meats, heavy metal, football, and girls in bikinis (only my wife, wink, wink). In my opinion, all of the above mentioned items fit into the definition of “Manly”. But I can’t seem to get those five words out of my head, you may be thinking to yourself, “Anthony don’t worry about your buddy questioning your manhood, you are Manly”. But those five words stay with me day after day, I just can’t get them out of my head. You may ask, are the five words, “Dude you shave your legs” Of course not, the five words are, I HAVE A $4000 BIKE.